Violence Erupts Among Abstract Math Concepts

Editorial

As many know, the global financial crisis has cut a swath of destruction as wide and great as any natural disaster. Covering the world around, inestimable ledgers remain blood red while deficits soar to unheard of heights. As the maelstrom of money flitters and flutters away, personal stories of bankruptcy, depression, suicide and even violence come ebbing back, the soft yet tragic undercurrent of a fiscally irresponsible tsunami. Today, SSB goes undercover and off the record for one such untold story, that of disgruntled imaginary numbers.

Envision the darkest, dirt covered corner in West Texas, replete with tattered rags that used to be Lone Star State flags, concrete floors painted brown, the ever-present stench of beer and urine, multiply that by ten and you have an idea where I was last Tuesday. I cautiously sat down in a corner, ordered a beer and pulled out my tape recorder beginning a conversation with the imaginary number 5 (-5i).

SSB: Mr. Negative five, can you confirm reports that you are involved with an organization called the Mathmatica Imaginary Liberation Front? MILF?

(-5i): Do I look like negative 5 to you? Do you see this “I”? Who are you?

SSB: I am a reporter for SSB. Look, irrational things are happening to irrational numbers. Do you have a response?

-5i: Mr. uh Mr. you have the wrong guy. I’ve never hurt anybody. I’ve never heard of MILF.

SSB: Then can you confirm rumors of the existence of an underground gang of imaginary numbers assaulting communities of real numbers, rational and irrational numbers?

-5i: I’m just a regular old imaginary number. I spend a lot of my time in high school algebra. I pay taxes.

SSB: What would you say if I told you I have picture evidence of you Mr. -5i leading a group of imaginary numbers in the beating of a complex number whose square is greater than zero?

-5i: I would call you a liar. If I was involved, and I was not, it would be out of frustration.

SSB: What do you mean “frustration?”

-5i: The financial crisis, especially the deficit, is so big and complex, so gigantic people can’t wrap their mind around it. I mean what is a thousand billion? People are calling it imaginary. It’s tearing our community apart.

SSB: So this about numbers losing their identity? Is that the source of division?

-5i: Exactly. The thing is, a thousand billion is a real number, a fat bastard of a number. He refuses to be scientifically notated. He just exists with all his damn zeros. I hate that guy.

SSB: Hate him enough to be involved in MILK? I mean MILF?

-5i: No. I have a great respect for numbers of all kinds. The imaginary numbers that are doing this are just trying to understand their piece of the Pi.

SSB: What about your son -2.23606798i? Does he have a respect for all numbers? What's his relationship to Pi?

At this point -5i punched me in the face and left, signifying the end of the interview.

Violence from imaginary numbers continues to rise while the financial crisis remains at the forefront of American’s minds. Are these roving bands of imaginary numbers part of a greater conspiracy or the product of a society ignorant of “different” types of numbers? The truth will out and our nation will be a safe place to live again. The hunt for the ever elusive MILF’s continues.

A.Pennington Reporting

(copyright 2008 Solid State Brains)