Doomsday or Tuesday?

As it turns out the world doesn't end when congress fails to pass an ill-conceived bill. Although there is much scrambling (like eggs) on many fronts in Washington today. Such as the Presidential front. Nothing says empty rhetoric or talking head like another early morning speech by G.W.B. flapping his lips in the wind or the gusty strong words blowing from the mouths of both presidential candidates.

I heard a small Spanish boy praying out loud in the parking lot this morning, rough translation: "Lord, have you sent Nancy Pelosi to save us?"

The Lord then responded "No." Which is the same in Spanish as it is in English thus requiring no translation.

Luckily in times of crisis we have a thousand AP reporters to report, we have a bunch of government governing and above all we have the Anderson Coopers' of the world to blame the entire thing on the Republican rank and file. (Side note here: nothing against the fountain like espousing of right and left wing propagandist figure heads, but damn, if your gonna Kansas City shuffle, try harder to make me look over there, cuz I just keep seeing what your other hand is doing.)

I read somewhere, someone calling Bush, Cheney, McCain and Paulson the four horseman of the Apocalypse. I think that's strong. Personally they remind me of Larry, Moe, Curly and Coach from Cheers, respectively. I envision Paulson tending bar in a smoky pit, cleaning glasses with a dirty bar rag, pouring strong whiskey sours and gin and tonics to battling monkeys from the land of Zanzibar. Those crazy damn monkeys.

Bush Lies, Public Complains

President George Bush today lied in efforts to assuage the American taxpayers stating that "bailout could end up costing taxpayers nothing." Taxpayers complain lie was less believable than normal.

Prevarication and prestidigitation reigned in the capitol, previous to, during and following the statements of the President.

In response Andrew Schmit of Rochester NY, (Normal Person at large) had this to say:

"I'm very disappointed in Bush, y'know what I mean? The guy lies right? I mean, that's a given, everybody expects the president to lie, but I really feel like he half-assed it. I mean if you told me convincingly and in earnest that unicorns could fly, I may well be prone to believe you. I mean who am I to say that unicorns can't fly?"

The White House had no immediate comment on this article, so our correspondents went out and interviewed random people:

Mellisa Suede, Covington Ky:

"He just didn't sell me on it, look, we all bought weapons of mass destruction thing in Iraq, and sacrificing constitutional rights for Homeland security was brilliant... but he just didn't put the same effort forth here. It will definitely make me think twice before voting republican again."

Vincent Monticelli Orlando Fl:

"First off, I don't like you or your questions. Second, I voted for Ross Perot in the last 4 presidential elections."

James
Simpson, Decatur Il:

"I'll tell ya what a lying bush is... any bitch I dated between 1972 and 1985."

A.Pennington reporting, AP NEWS

Hamilton raised from dead, Replaces Paulson

September 23, 2008, In a bold move today President Bush fired Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernake, with the latter position of Federal Reserve Chairman being completely eliminated on the advice of Alexander Hamilton.

Hamilton, founding father, economist, political philosopher and the first Secretary of the Treasury was raised from the dead earlier this week in a highly difficult Voodoo ceremony preformed by JuJu Gombowie, local Washington Voodoo practitioner (shown left). The ceremony was the 6th such attempt to revive the former confidant of George Washington.

"Hamilton was resurrected following the strict discipline VoDun or Voodoo in the western speaking world. This followed less traditional methods such as poking his tattered corpse with a sharp stick, electric shock like Frankenstein, Necromancy or "dark magic" and asking him nicely to get up, among others." Dana Perino, White House press secretary stated today in conference.

When questioned on the appointment of Hamilton, Perino had this to say: "The President believes, as does this administration that Alexander Hamilton, though traditionally known as a Federalist, has the knowledge, strength, tenacity and wherewithal to break through party lines and lead us through these dark financial times. He was and is a patriot, leading three battalions at the Siege of Yorktown in 1781, was leader of the National Army during the quasi-war with France in 1798, and of course founder of the National Bank in 1790. He is offering refreshing and complete transparency to the public on his reconstruction plan. Mr. Hamilton is no stranger to the press, having founded the New York Post and is quite anxious to get the word out that a new, old man is in town and he's got our economy well in hand."

Paulson today struck back against the decision of the President to fire him in an interview with a Senior Editor at the Washington Post:"I cannot believe this has happened, I think the administration is making a grave mistake by appointing some antiquated philistine to my previous position. I would like to remind President Bush and the Nation that not only was the man born in England but lived there 13 years before relocating to America. My question is will some Englishman care more about the economy of America than an American? I might also add that he is an admitted adulterer and died after dueling in public with the vice president. Is that who will lead us? God, I hope not." Paulson concluded in exasperated frustration.

The White House had no comment on the remarks of Paulson, however a source close to the president spoke on condition of anonymity stating the outburst was "surprising", "out of character" and "disappointing." Hamilton is expected to address the press corp tomorrow after extensive meetings today with President Bush and other senior staff.

Copyright 2008 A.Pennington, Reporting AP News

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.org