ObamaRama

SSB is here today to announce our triumphant return from cowering under our desks waiting quietly for the end to come. We have patiently waited for choirs of angels to sing hallelujahs at every bill and executive order issued by our beloved new president, sadly we are still waiting.

We were going to fill this space with our accumulated list of acknowledgments and critiques of our new president, but after reading that article we were pretty damn depressed. Instead we visited Karl Rove and subjected him to the the Rorschach Test. That's right psychology students: Today we get inside the twisted, dirty, mind of Karl Rove (Bush's Brain) .

SSB: Mr. Rove, nice flag pin there, can I call you Uncle Karl?

KR: No.

SSB: You know I used to have an Uncle Karl, he was a strange guy, short to, like 5'-1... he could've been a jockey. He used to set up these crazy elaborate displays with those green plastic army guys, then he would just stomp all over them. Sometimes he would take them and jam them into his mouth and chew them up, like he was some sort of a giant or something.

KR: Are you with CNN?

SSB: No. Anyway, one day he was stompping around doing his thing, jamming toy soldiers into his mouth when he accidently choked on one and died.

KR: Is this the interview?

SSB: You remind me of him.

KR: What? Are you going to ask questions?

SSB: Why Yes I am Uncle Karl. Yes I am.

KR: "..."

SSB: Ok then, well I brought along an outdated psychology test, and I want you to clear your mind. When I show you a picture I want you to to just, y'know, tell me whatever pops into your mind. Ok?

KR: Why would I do that? (Uncle Karl shifts around uneasily in his big chair)

SSB: For the people... for the people. Ok so here we go:



KR: Oil.

SSB: Really? Sort of looks like the devil to me.



KR: Uh, dead terrorist dipped in oil.

SSB: Wow.



KR: Last night. With a bloody bow-tie .

SSB: Really? Care to elaborate?

KR: If your not going to ask questions I'm going to ask you to leave.

SSB: Oh. Well... what do think of the new administration?



KR: Look, I've said it before...is that Obama on that card?

SSB: Why yes it is, sorry, thats not a real card. Don't know how that got in. I work with cut ups. I bet Bush was like that.

KR: How in the hell did you get in here?

SSB: I opened the door and walked in.



KR: This is over.

SSB: that doesn't make any sense. It looks like an ironic mime miming spinning records. Get the irony? Get it?

KR: I'm calling the police. (Uncle Karl picked up the phone and dialed the cops at this point, signifying the end of the interview.)

SSB: Well Uncle Karl... (At this point security came into the room apparently silently called by Rove.) Whoa, you have a secret security button?

<Copyright 2009 Solid State Brains>

You Misunderestimated Me

Jan 12, 2009

WASHINGTON - President Bush today stumbled out in front of a room full of reporters and rambled for quite awhile. It remains unclear if the President was addressing the reporters in his final official press conference or merely 'lucid' dreaming. Bush spent an appreciable amount of time making up words and alternately referring to himself in third and first person context.

While addressing the press corp Bush had this to say:

Sometimes 'they' didn't like the stories you wrote and sometimes you misunderestimated me

In a surprising move the President revealed his private battle with schizophrenia:

Never really, you know, spent that much time, frankly, worrying about the loud voices. I of course hear them, but they didn't affect my policy, nor did they affect -- affect how I made decisions.

As the seemingly infinite conference drew to a close Bush was questioned on his comprehension of the English language:

You need to ask those who -- those who used the words they used.

Bush also signified his plans for the future:

And so I wake up in Crawford Tuesday morning -- I mean, Wednesday morning, and I suspect I'll make Laura coffee and go get it for her. And it's going to be a different feeling. And I can't -- it's kind of like -- I'll report back after I feel it.

It was somewhat dificult to determine if he was going to make coffee and then go out and buy it just to show how rich he is or if he had lost his mind while in front of an audience.

Much could be said on the policies, domestic and foreign, shady business dealings, the subjective way the Constitution was viewed and the lackadaisical treatment of Rule of Law, but I cannot carry on through the tears. SSB is very well wishing of President Bush in his future career as Master Speaker of Temporal Anomalies and collecter of money. We at SSB feel that you could not have done a better job. And though it may be forward, Mr. Bush, on behalf of America and the world:

we are sorry we misunderestimated you.


Good Luck and Godspeed Mr. President. Good luck and Godspeed.

Link to Video of Speech

Copyright 2009 Solid State Brains - A. Pennington White House Press Corp

Facebook Fever!

Hands shaking, body covered in cold sweat you reach out to the keyboard and login to Facebook. Furtively and with great strain you check your wall whispering "God I hope someone commented or someone from my 5th grade class adds me as a friend." Then it is with despair you realize no one has updated since your last Facebook fix... 3 minutes ago.

Today SSB reports on the "elephant in the room" that nobody wants to see, the addiction, the controversy and tragedy of Facebook Fever. SSB subjected one of our less popular senior staffers to this downward spiral, then we interviewed him in our tireless efforts to deliver the truth to you dear reader.

SSB: "Please describe in your own words the Facebook "process." We understand it happens in stages or maybe phases? Like the moon?"

Ed: "Sure. Yeah yeah." <Ed said this while smashing a cigarette out and blowing second had smoke into SSB's face. He started smoking 3 hours ago.> "Uh, Stage 1: The Signup...it started innocuously enough, I thought I'd catch up with some old friends, I thought I would move away from the mySpace crowd. Registration was easy."

SSB: "Too easy?"

Ed: "I guess."

SSB: "What happened next?

Ed: "Holy crap man, holy crap."

SSB: "Ok, Stage 2: Holy Crap. Tell us about that."

Ed: "The first trip down memory lane wasn't so great, my head was swimming, so many colors...and I'll tell you this: people were waiting for me when I joined. Like some old friends... just waiting for me, inviting me in."

SSB: "Wait a minute, your saying joining was like crossing over to the other side? The final mystery revealed, your family waiting opened arms for you to finish your journey across the river styx?"

Ed: "I guess so. There were a bunch of people I went to high school with."

SSB: "Astounding. What happened next?"

Ed: "Well, within 10 minutes I had 237 friends. The strange thing was unlike mySpace where I had some measure of anonymity, here I had total exposure. Truth exposed. You know."

SSB: "Sounds terrifying."

Ed: "It is. But after the terror, I found myself trying to find friends I haven't talked to in years."

SSB: "Really? And this is after only one visit to the site?"

Ed: "Yes." <Ed twitches and lights another cigarette>

SSB: "So these are people you haven't spoken to for a decade or more?"

Ed: "Yes." <Ed shivers as if someone walks over his grave.>

SSB: "Are you wanting to check the Facebook now?"

Ed: "No, no of course not."


SSB: "Really Ed? Really?"

Ed: "No!" <Ed breaks down and places his hands over his crying eyes.> "I want to check the Facebook now...I do...I do!"<Ed jumps up and leaps over a desk to log in.>

SSB: "Stage 3, full blown addiction. So Ed, why do you need to check? Is it the sickness?"

Ed: "I've got to know if anyones left me a message! I've got to know!"

SSB: "Tragic Ed. Tragic. By the way, you're fired."

Ed: "What?"

SSB: "Well no one likes you around here. Honestly, you're a douche. And this whole addiction thing is the perfect reason to axe you."

Ed: "..."

SSB: "Ed?"

Ed: "What? I'm updating my wall status!"

SSB: "Get out."

Facebook: mild mannered social networking or menace to society? Facebook Fever, swallowing the aging gen Xers and leaving crack heads in the wake. Only you can decide dear reader. Only you.

Copyright 2009 Solid State Brains