Violence Erupts Among Abstract Math Concepts

Editorial

As many know, the global financial crisis has cut a swath of destruction as wide and great as any natural disaster. Covering the world around, inestimable ledgers remain blood red while deficits soar to unheard of heights. As the maelstrom of money flitters and flutters away, personal stories of bankruptcy, depression, suicide and even violence come ebbing back, the soft yet tragic undercurrent of a fiscally irresponsible tsunami. Today, SSB goes undercover and off the record for one such untold story, that of disgruntled imaginary numbers.

Envision the darkest, dirt covered corner in West Texas, replete with tattered rags that used to be Lone Star State flags, concrete floors painted brown, the ever-present stench of beer and urine, multiply that by ten and you have an idea where I was last Tuesday. I cautiously sat down in a corner, ordered a beer and pulled out my tape recorder beginning a conversation with the imaginary number 5 (-5i).

SSB: Mr. Negative five, can you confirm reports that you are involved with an organization called the Mathmatica Imaginary Liberation Front? MILF?

(-5i): Do I look like negative 5 to you? Do you see this “I”? Who are you?

SSB: I am a reporter for SSB. Look, irrational things are happening to irrational numbers. Do you have a response?

-5i: Mr. uh Mr. you have the wrong guy. I’ve never hurt anybody. I’ve never heard of MILF.

SSB: Then can you confirm rumors of the existence of an underground gang of imaginary numbers assaulting communities of real numbers, rational and irrational numbers?

-5i: I’m just a regular old imaginary number. I spend a lot of my time in high school algebra. I pay taxes.

SSB: What would you say if I told you I have picture evidence of you Mr. -5i leading a group of imaginary numbers in the beating of a complex number whose square is greater than zero?

-5i: I would call you a liar. If I was involved, and I was not, it would be out of frustration.

SSB: What do you mean “frustration?”

-5i: The financial crisis, especially the deficit, is so big and complex, so gigantic people can’t wrap their mind around it. I mean what is a thousand billion? People are calling it imaginary. It’s tearing our community apart.

SSB: So this about numbers losing their identity? Is that the source of division?

-5i: Exactly. The thing is, a thousand billion is a real number, a fat bastard of a number. He refuses to be scientifically notated. He just exists with all his damn zeros. I hate that guy.

SSB: Hate him enough to be involved in MILK? I mean MILF?

-5i: No. I have a great respect for numbers of all kinds. The imaginary numbers that are doing this are just trying to understand their piece of the Pi.

SSB: What about your son -2.23606798i? Does he have a respect for all numbers? What's his relationship to Pi?

At this point -5i punched me in the face and left, signifying the end of the interview.

Violence from imaginary numbers continues to rise while the financial crisis remains at the forefront of American’s minds. Are these roving bands of imaginary numbers part of a greater conspiracy or the product of a society ignorant of “different” types of numbers? The truth will out and our nation will be a safe place to live again. The hunt for the ever elusive MILF’s continues.

A.Pennington Reporting

(copyright 2008 Solid State Brains)

Bush Lies, Public Complains

President George Bush today lied in efforts to assuage the American taxpayers stating that "bailout could end up costing taxpayers nothing." Taxpayers complain lie was less believable than normal.

Prevarication and prestidigitation reigned in the capitol, previous to, during and following the statements of the President.

In response Andrew Schmit of Rochester NY, (Normal Person at large) had this to say:

"I'm very disappointed in Bush, y'know what I mean? The guy lies right? I mean, that's a given, everybody expects the president to lie, but I really feel like he half-assed it. I mean if you told me convincingly and in earnest that unicorns could fly, I may well be prone to believe you. I mean who am I to say that unicorns can't fly?"

The White House had no immediate comment on this article, so our correspondents went out and interviewed random people:

Mellisa Suede, Covington Ky:

"He just didn't sell me on it, look, we all bought weapons of mass destruction thing in Iraq, and sacrificing constitutional rights for Homeland security was brilliant... but he just didn't put the same effort forth here. It will definitely make me think twice before voting republican again."

Vincent Monticelli Orlando Fl:

"First off, I don't like you or your questions. Second, I voted for Ross Perot in the last 4 presidential elections."

James
Simpson, Decatur Il:

"I'll tell ya what a lying bush is... any bitch I dated between 1972 and 1985."

A.Pennington reporting, AP NEWS

Hamilton raised from dead, Replaces Paulson

September 23, 2008, In a bold move today President Bush fired Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernake, with the latter position of Federal Reserve Chairman being completely eliminated on the advice of Alexander Hamilton.

Hamilton, founding father, economist, political philosopher and the first Secretary of the Treasury was raised from the dead earlier this week in a highly difficult Voodoo ceremony preformed by JuJu Gombowie, local Washington Voodoo practitioner (shown left). The ceremony was the 6th such attempt to revive the former confidant of George Washington.

"Hamilton was resurrected following the strict discipline VoDun or Voodoo in the western speaking world. This followed less traditional methods such as poking his tattered corpse with a sharp stick, electric shock like Frankenstein, Necromancy or "dark magic" and asking him nicely to get up, among others." Dana Perino, White House press secretary stated today in conference.

When questioned on the appointment of Hamilton, Perino had this to say: "The President believes, as does this administration that Alexander Hamilton, though traditionally known as a Federalist, has the knowledge, strength, tenacity and wherewithal to break through party lines and lead us through these dark financial times. He was and is a patriot, leading three battalions at the Siege of Yorktown in 1781, was leader of the National Army during the quasi-war with France in 1798, and of course founder of the National Bank in 1790. He is offering refreshing and complete transparency to the public on his reconstruction plan. Mr. Hamilton is no stranger to the press, having founded the New York Post and is quite anxious to get the word out that a new, old man is in town and he's got our economy well in hand."

Paulson today struck back against the decision of the President to fire him in an interview with a Senior Editor at the Washington Post:"I cannot believe this has happened, I think the administration is making a grave mistake by appointing some antiquated philistine to my previous position. I would like to remind President Bush and the Nation that not only was the man born in England but lived there 13 years before relocating to America. My question is will some Englishman care more about the economy of America than an American? I might also add that he is an admitted adulterer and died after dueling in public with the vice president. Is that who will lead us? God, I hope not." Paulson concluded in exasperated frustration.

The White House had no comment on the remarks of Paulson, however a source close to the president spoke on condition of anonymity stating the outburst was "surprising", "out of character" and "disappointing." Hamilton is expected to address the press corp tomorrow after extensive meetings today with President Bush and other senior staff.

Copyright 2008 A.Pennington, Reporting AP News

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